​I don’t mean to brag… well maybe I do a little… But it’s not even December yet and my Christmas shopping is under control.  This year I’ve decided to try something different – I’m calling it ‘Gifting with Gratitude’ and I think it is an absolute winner.
 
Giving at Christmas time should be a positive experience, filling us all with warm fuzzies as we shower gifts and appreciation on those we love.
 
My usual experience?
 
I arrive at a very big, very busy shopping center on December 22nd, leaving my Christmas spirit in the car park while sideways glancing at the car next to me as we both spot the poor, innocent soul walking along loaded up with bags, fumbling with their keys and sensing the piercing eyes staring at them wondering which parking space they’ll be vacating.
 
I am over it before I even begin, grabbing the first things I see with little thought so that I can get the hell out of there. ‘Did I get my Dad a Pizza stone last year? Hope not!’
 
Not this year!
 
So, what is this ‘Gifting with Gratitude’?
 
I’ve developed a form with three columns. The first one has the names of friends and family we usually buy gifts for as well as any others I’m feeling especially appreciative of this year. My list has grown since having Flynn! The second column is titled “What do I love about them?” I’ve taken the time to write down my favourite memories of each person from the year that was, or something I love about them. I specifically scheduled this time in my day and sat down with a glass of wine to make it an especially pleasant experience. The third column is “Something they’d love”. This was so much easier to fill in once taking the time to actually think about this person rather than rushing around a store hoping something might jump out and inspire me.
 
The result?
 
I’m sitting here feeling grateful and humbled, full to the brim with love and appreciation with a beautifully presented list of potential gifts as well as the perfect messages for my Christmas cards. No more “Dear Mum, Merry Christmas, From Us!”
 
After all, isn’t this what the season is meant to be about?
 
I’m going to make this nice an easy for you, if you comment below with your details I’ll email you the template I've used to change the way I gift this year. I hope it gives you all of the warm fuzzies that should come with this time of the year and help you to avoid the December 22nd car park chaos.
 
Merry Christmas!!

I know it’s counterintuitive, but I’ve come to the realization that sometimes pissing people off is actually an important thing to do.  I would hate to count up the hours of my life spent worrying about what people think of me. When we fall in to the people-pleasing trap we stop acting based on vision and start acting based on opinions and fear. We lose focus. We become confused and when we’re confused about our direction, where do we end up? Lost.  
 
As women, we are often far too caught up in trying to get people to like us – constantly on the hunt for approval and avoiding confrontation at all costs. I think back to a time in my career where after a great deal of thought, research and consultation I came up with what I thought was a brilliant idea to expand services and create revenue. Rather than backing myself and putting this idea in to action I took it to two extra people to gain approval. These were not people who had any higher authority, increased knowledge or awareness on the topic. Nor were they people who would be directly impacted by the change. They were simply people I feared criticism from. I was setting myself up for failure. Predictably, these two people both disagreed with my plan but for almost exactly opposing reasons. What did I do? Nothing. I didn’t make the change. I didn’t even try. My desire to be liked was stronger than my desire to achieve the big picture best outcome. It paralyzed me.
 
Don’t get me wrong - communication, collaboration and consultation are absolutely crucial for maintaining solid relationships and key attributes of a strong leader. It’s what we do with the information that is key. If we take away our ability to put people off side, we will inevitably take the safe option for fear of displeasing others. As a result we won’t get our message across strongly, we will stagnate and we won’t achieve what we set out to achieve. The reality is that as hard as we might try, we will never please everybody. We will always manage to piss someone off. There will be people who don’t like us and do you know what, that is totally ok! Embrace it! You’re doing something that’s getting you noticed which means you’re moving forward, you’re making changes, and you’re taking action. Wouldn’t you rather be that person than the person sitting back passing judgment? I would.
 
I now know that if I make decisions that are authentically mine and have the discipline to stick to them regardless of the opinions of others, I can create the world that I’m meant to be living in. If I’m strong enough to continue on the road toward my goals, I can tell people with certainty where I’m going and they can jump on board if they choose to. If they don’t that is absolutely ok. In being authentic to who I am, I begin to gather the tribe who I am meant to be surrounded with and by doing this my confidence grows. Alternatively, if I continue to worry about trying to please everyone, I continue to surround myself with people who I am not well aligned with and my confidence takes hit after hit.
 
By removing the energy expended and wasted trying to please everyone, I have also freed up a whole lot of energy that can be put in to following my passions and doing what I was put on this earth to do. Another big bonus!
 
So ask yourself – If I didn’t care about whether everyone liked me or not, what would I do differently? …Now go do it!
 
 

I feel like a fraud. I’ve never verbalized this before because I actually believed it. I was ashamed. Every time I got promoted, every time I achieved something I should have been hugely proud of, every time I got picked for a sporting team, high grades at school, chosen as a school prefect, I thought I’d gotten lucky. I had all sorts of ideas in my head as to why I had succeeded. Usually something like ‘right place right time’, had friends in the right places, worked really hard and being rewarded for effort, said the right things in interviews… the list goes on. Did I ever achieve something and honestly think, “I have a talent in this area, I’m good at this and I deserve this success”? Nope. How ridiculous.
 
Why am I writing this now? Today I had an epiphany.  I was listening to Sheryl Sandberg’s audiobook Lean In – a must read for any woman with leadership/ career aspirations - she quoted a speech from a highly acclaimed doctor entitled “Feeling Like a Fraud.” She went on to explain that many people, particularly women, feel unworthy of recognition for their accomplishments. They feel undeserving and almost guilty as if maybe a mistake has been made. She says that even people who are experts in their field have this niggling feeling that “it’s only a matter of time until they are found out for who they really are – imposters with limited skills or abilities.” Oh.My.Goodness. I almost had to pull over in my car so that I could nod my head more vigorously.
 
I never knew that this was a thing. I honestly thought that it was just me, that I actually was unworthy of my accomplishments and that I really was a fraud. Now I see it. Sheryl Sandberg refers to it as “The imposter syndrome”. As women, many of us tend to undervalue our selves, plagued by self doubt and fear.  But we don’t only do it to ourselves! All day I’ve been looking back through my own life to try and get to the root of this. Why do I not feel worthy of my achievements? What has happened?
 
The first memory that pops in to my mind is from when I was just thirteen years old. I was chosen for the State Basketball team; I had already been telling myself that it was because ‘not a lot of people actually tried out for it’. Then I got home and someone said to me, “that’s great, you’re just like your grandfather, you’re successful at sport because you are so determined and you work really hard. You’re brother is more like your father – naturally talented”. Wow. I jump ahead a few years to year eleven when I was the first female ever at our school to be awarded the Science and Technology award. Before I had the chance to celebrate I was told that it was because I was the only female doing so many science and technology subjects. These two examples jump out at me without even trying so I know they’re not the only ones during my school years, no wonder this is travelling with me throughout life. I also am very sure that these underlying messages are being sent to many young women out there and we are just not aware that we’re doing it.
 
I jump forward now to my career. My first promotion came in the second year of my first real job out of University. I can remember telling myself that I got it because I’d asked the right people the right questions, ignoring the fact that I’d always worked to a high standard, never said no to helping out in any way, the first to put my hand up for the jobs no one else wanted to do, and had graduated Uni with a 6.0 GPA.  I was promoted twice again from there, my most recent and highest achievement is the big one that sticks out in my mind.
 
I can remember getting the phone call that I was the successful applicant. It was the weekend. I was over the moon, I had worked hard on my application and I ran outside to celebrate with Dan. Then the dread set in. I didn’t want to tell anyone from work, I thought they would think “Who is she to storm in and take on this management role at such a young age? Who is she to tell anyone how things should be done?“ I thought they’d see me as the fraud that I saw myself. And unfortunately… that’s just what happened. I was told by people close to me that I was very young to be in such a role, and a female too… was I really ready? I was approached by a colleague on the first day my promotion was announced who said, “Congratulations, don’t worry about what everyone is saying – they’re just surprised”.  I didn’t know anyone was saying anything at that point. But I of course wasn’t shocked by this, it was what I had told myself was going to happen. I could go on and on about this but I won’t because it’s not about me. The point of this is, studies have shown that when women are more successful they become less likeable.  As a result we often play down our own successes, not openly celebrating because we are so afraid of this unspoken phenomenon. We are told so frequently that our successes are due to external factors, rather than our own skills and talents, and we tell ourselves the same thing. So much so that we end up believing it!
 
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I can only be responsible for my own actions. So what am I going to do with this epiphany? Well firstly I’m going to share my story (as difficult as it is to put out there) because there may just be someone else out there nodding along right now, feeling emotional about all of the accomplishments that should have been celebrated with confidence. Maybe they will be able to move forward from this now and recognise this thought process in themselves. I’m going to start celebrating others for their talents, pointing out their unique skills and the reasons that I can see as to why they are exactly where they deserve to be. Particularly with my children! And I’m going to ask that you please do the same. Lets put our energy in to lifting each other up, especially fellow women! There are enough barriers holding us back from success– lets not create any more. Finally and importantly, I’m going to recognise these thoughts as they arrive and I’m going to remind myself that I am not a fraud, I deserve my achievements as much as anyone else does and I will celebrate them openly, loudly and with full belief in myself.